By Kent Gutterman
As a Canadian, the WE scandal is hugely embarrassing to me. But as a lifelong petty criminal who worships the craft of constructing the perfect grift, it’s fucking humiliating to behold. I’m beginning to think Canada has a problem: Our charities fucking suck at doing crimes.
The WE charity is a youth-centric initiative that connects rich kids with opportunities to go to concerts. CONCERTS! The petty crime capital of the old, pre-COVID world. WE Charity could have tried their hands at pickpocketing, sold intentionally watered-down drinks, even vaping in the bathroom would have been cooler than… hold on, let me check my notes… “paying the prime minister’s mom and brother speaking fees possibly in exchange for preferential political treatment”. Have some self-respect! At least try to sell Prince Harry some bath salts!!!
I know what you’re thinking, and yes. Bribery is bad. But if I’m being honest, it’s mostly done by narcs, dorks, and cops. It’s a crime for cowards who are too scared to live free, die young, and take what they want. Craig Kielburger could have gotten busted for street racing a peppy little Kawasaki down the 401 with saddlebags full of stolen coronavirus vaccine, but instead he is a perpetual disappointment to me and my crime friends. Danny Ocean would be spinning in his grave if he was actually dead.
Not to brag, but I totally grew up with Craig and Marc, and they really could have been the Thelma and Louise of Canadian brothers. We used to do boat stunts in lake Ontario, the brig loaded to the brim with everything a rowdy boy needs to get started in crime: unmarked euros, bad cocaine, and somebody’s accountant uncle. It’s heartbreaking to me to see that much wasted potential on the international stage. Especially Marc, who is also pretty hot.
But I get it: soft-palmed millennials are too afraid to get their hands dirty with the real gritty stuff. But if you’re gonna do white collar crime, at least do it right. The WE charity rolodex is full of celebrities, all desperately begging to be blackmailed, extorted, or manipulated. Marc Kielburger REALLY met Oprah and didn’t even TRY to trick her into breaking into the Louvre to steal the ugliest painting in a wild bid to make it famous. Come on. I bet Oprah was insulted. And then you blow $41k on plane tickets for Bill Morneau, knowing full well he’d NEVER be down to collude with Russian government in exchange for permission to construct a massive condo building in the shadow of the Kremlin in Moscow? THAT’S WEAK, BOYS!!!
It’s time for charities to get serious about doing crimes. WE charity is a wash at this point, but there’s still time for Meals on Wheels to join the Triad, or for the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to open up a new program dedicated to funding and then ransacking those labs that grow diamonds. Even the Salvation Army’s brutal subjugation of the LGBT+ community is more of a crime against humanity than a fun crime, so I can’t even sign off on that.
Hell, if it’s what it takes to make this right, I’ll even pitch in personally. If the Humane Society lets me feed some very small diamonds to a few dogs for temporary safekeeping, I’ll cut them in on the fence. Because sometimes all you need is a hand up, and I’m willing to be that hand. Especially if it gets me closer to stealing your watch.
