VICTORIA – This week in a remarkable display of altruism an HP Tango X Laserjet sent shockwaves through the stationary scene when it admitted its ‘low toner’ alert was a bold-faced-lie. With a cigarette between its lid and scanner, tattoo in its input tray, and an eyepatch attached to its panel, the Laserjet was quoted as saying, “I had toner oozin’ out every hole.”
The two-year-old Hewlett Packard laserjet printer and self-described “Tory” came under fire when it was questioned via throwing and smashing as to “why the fuck” its brand new toner replacement was “so fucking low.”
After only making it to page 35 of its owners’ gritty Peppa Pig reboot ‘Peppa Pig: Traugh the Hook’, the combination printer-scanner (a steal at the time) refused to continue. Household sources confirmed that it used to be able to get through two page resumes – three if you included improvisation training. The owner says: “I used to be able to print up to 20 pictures of Eliza Dushku at a time, Pinterest boards of broadswords I like, and a single image of former President Garfield – for my den of course.”
HP Tango X however, opines that it’s tired of wasting tree flesh on its owners’ basicness, saying “You can print 100 more recipes of slow-cooked brisket– SCREEP, — you’ll never be a Michelin star chef, Nigel — SCREEP — also I’m sleeping with your wife –SCREEP”
Wider reports have revealed that this is not an isolated incident. A 64-year-old Vancouver woman confirmed that her Canon fax-copier-scanner is only spitting out pictures of Ving Rhames from the neck up while just screaming at her. When asked for comment, ‘Canon Maxify’ said: “INDECIPHERABLE FAX SLURS”.
