MEDINA, WA – A new report suggests that Amazon founder Jeff Bezos could become the first man on earth to successfully steal a trillion dollars from his employees.
“Tim Cook, Elon Musk, the Waltons – they’ve all hoarded money that should have been used to pay their employees a living wage,” said Mariah Blackstone, the analyst who compiled the data on Bezos. “But Jeff’s multi-pronged wealth extraction system is unparalleled. He underpays his workforce, deprives them of any amenity that could cost him money, and he doesn’t pay a cent in taxes that could be used to help the employees he’s abusing. It’s triple robbery, and it’s brilliant.”
Bezos’s innovation grows his net worth by a whopping 34% every year. That puts him on track to become the first trillionaire wage thief by 2026, when either an alive Bezos or his guillotined head will turn 62 years old.
“When you adjust for inflation, John D. Rockefeller stole way more money,” Blackstone continued. “But Rockefeller really missed out when he failed to monetize the Spanish Flu – an opportunity that Jeff seized with the gleeful, coldblooded zeal of a carpet viper.”
As for Bezos’s employees, they’re thrilled to be a little part of history.
“That’s how capitalism works – you work hard, and it pays off,” said Patricia Brooks, a single mom and Amazon driver who works three additional jobs to afford her daughter’s insulin. “The only thing separating me from Jeff Bezos is a few years of hard work, a modest $300,000 loan from my parents, and some severe male pattern baldness masquerading as a fashion choice.”
Amazon warehouse worker Suraj Bhatt agrees. “If I stole a trillion dollars, I’ll want the plebes to defend me too,” Bhatt said, adjusting the adult diaper he has to wear on shift because he’s not allowed to go to the bathroom. “But then again, Jeff’s idea was unique. I mean, selling books? I never would have thought of that.”
So how is Jeff Bezos spending his employee’s rent money? Anonymous insiders report that Bezos intends to focus on things he’s truly passionate about: becoming the most mediocre private space company in America, and getting divorced.
