OTTAWA – With vast numbers of Canadians suddenly out of a job and no sign of relief from most landlords, the nation’s tenants have collectively vowed that if they must still pay rent, that …
Month: March 2020
Virus enters man without consent
RIKERS ISLAND, NY – Jailed rapist Harvey Weinstein has claimed that the novel coronavirus that causes COVID-19 has penetrated his body without his consent. Tests have confirmed the presence…
Group hanging out in park presumably celebrating the blood on their hands
VANCOUVER – A group of friends chatting, drinking and generally having a grand ol’ time in the park this past weekend were presumably celebrating the fact that they are now responsible for …
Social butterflies soothed by nonstop robocall scams
VANCOUVER – As an increasing number of people are under quarantine or self-isolating to help stop the spread of COVID-19, the stress of long periods of solitude is for many extroverts only …
Maintain a sense of normalcy under quarantine by continuing to trim your pubes
Like many people, you may find yourself adjusting to a brand new stay-at-home lifestyle these days in order to protect yourself and others from the spread of COVID-19. During these disruptive tim…
Shower wondering if it’s ever going to see you again
YOUR BATHROOM – In the midst of a nationwide quarantine prompting citizens all over Canada to self-isolate, your shower just wanted to let you know that it was curious if it was ever going to see…
Biden within hair-sniffing distance of Democratic nomination
WASHINGTON – After being declared the winner of the final Democratic debate by several publications and continuing to lead in the primary delegate count, Joe Biden is now within hair-sniffi…
Local man eyes 2010 Fun-Run t-shirt as potential toilet paper substitute
CALGARY — With only two rolls remaining and the grocery stores empty, local pipe fitter Trevor Bilton has reported considering alternative toilet paper options during his COVID-19 quarantin…
CRA extends tax deadline citing meaninglessness of all money
OTTAWA — In the wake of the COVID-19 outbreak, the Canada Revenue Agency has extended the national tax filing deadline to June 1st, explaining that “honestly the idea of money is just something p…
NCAA searching for new ways to exploit student athletes after cancellation of March Madness
INDIANAPOLIS, IN – The cancellation of college basketball’s March Madness tournament due to the COVID-19 crisis has left the NCAA scrambling to find new ways to exploit their 500,000 studen…
