VANCOUVER – Local hugger and long handshake enthusiast Shawn Tyler is encouraging people to ignore the advice of the medical establishment and hold fast to their ideals, and more importantly, hold fast to each other to cope with the current pandemic.
“This is not the time for us to be avoiding each other,” he said, touching everyone in his path as he forced his way through a crowded bar to his favourite table. “The only way we’re going to beat this thing is by coming together, physically, to support each other.”
Tyler, who is widely known for standing excruciatingly close to the person he’s talking to, believes that the mainstream media is overblowing the danger posed by COVID-19 and that the best way to show the coronavirus that humanity is not afraid is by having even more physical contact with each other than before.
“I’m a hugger, it’s who I am. I’ve never let anything stop me from hugging. I’ve hugged hundreds of people while I was sick before and I’m certain they were all fine afterwards,” Tyler said after aggressively embracing a woman he thought was the wife of his old college roommate but who turned out to be an absolute stranger.
Tyler’s neighbours and acquaintances were saddened to learn that the pandemic wasn’t changing Tyler’s behaviour, with several expressing disbelief that not even the threat of death to others or himself was enough to finally get him to stop touching other people.
“He’s still doing that? I guess I’m surprised, but also, you know, not that surprised,” one neighbour said. “The man has no personal boundaries and no self-awareness. And it’s especially unfortunate, given the pandemic, that the only people who are fast enough to avoid him are the young and healthy.”
“If we show fear, the virus will pounce. Viruses are a lot like bears, actually,” Tyler explained while tightly holding the wrist of a visibly uncomfortable waitress who was politely, and futilely, waiting for a tip. “You gotta show a virus who’s boss. I’m not gonna let something I can’t even see keep me from living my life. If anything, changing the way I live is disrespectful to everyone who’s already died from this. I’m living for them.”
At press time, Tyler had a fever and was trying to explain to everyone on a packed bus that his dry cough must be from a heretofore unknown allergy.
