WASHINGTON – The two remaining frontrunners in the Democratic primary may have very different platforms and policies, but they can agree on at least one thing: if they were to contract coronavirus, they’d both be considered high risk patients.
Sanders and Biden, in an attempt to offer unity and stability in uncertain times, have released a joint statement offering that while they’re very divergent frontrunners with opposing visions for the future of America, they’re more than capable of putting aside their quarrels to offer each other solidarity in the face of COVID’s 8% mortality rate for septuagenarians.
“Joe believes in expanding Obamacare. Bernie believes in Medicare for all,” an analyst commented. “But they both agree, unequivocally, that if they required breathing assistance in a medical system overwhelmed by COVID-19, it’s possible both of them would be turned away from a ventilator in favour of saving someone younger. That’s party unity.”
The statement goes on to explain that the candidates failed to find common ground in select “old man hobbies,” including fishing, yelling, and performing sexually inappropriate behavior in the workplace. It was eventually concluded that their only commonality was their proximity to certain death in the face of a public health crisis.
“Of course, this is all a thought experiment,” the analyst laughed. “If either of them were to really fall ill, they’d be fast tracked through the system because of their wealth and perceived importance. That’s the American way.”
And even if the worst happens, the DNC has prepared multiple contingencies. A newly formed Legacy Committee has begun growing a backup old man in a tube, and Jimmy Carter has been instructed to prepare for a potential second term with some Jack LaLanne calisthenics and a daily prenatal vitamin. When asked if the committee would consider running a woman or a younger person, the DNC rep disappeared in a mysterious puff of smoke and did not respond to follow-up emails.
President Donald Trump was also invited to sign the statement as a show of political solidarity across party lines. He declined, citing both his firm belief that he is impervious to death and his recent annexation of eight emergency ventilators from hospitals around the D.C. area for a “tremendous secret project” that will “keep America great.”
