CHICAGO – Quaker Oats informed the public today that Cap’n Crunch, the cheerful cereal mascot who has been delighting children since 1963, is dead as a result of accidentally hanging himself while attempting to achieve a more powerful orgasm during masturbation.
“Horatio Magellan Crunch, known to the public as Cap’n, is no longer with us following an ill-advised bout of unsupervised hypoxyphilia,” Quaker Oats tweeted this morning. “Our thoughts and prayers go out to him, his family, and his crew.”
It isn’t clear whether this was Crunch’s first attempt at self asphyxiophilia or if the Cap’n was an old hand at the practice. All that is currently known is that Crunch was found hanging by his ceremonial sword belt in his quarters on board his ship, The Guppy. Foul play has been definitively ruled out following an exhaustive inquiry by NCIS (the Naval Cereal Investigative Service).
“We ask that people remember our friend the Cap’n not by how he died, but by how he lived,” Quaker Oats said in a follow-up tweet. “And please, if you’re going to engage in solo breath play, take all the necessary precautions to ensure your safety. That’s what the Cap’n would want.”
In lieu of flowers, Quaker Oats is asking that people who want to celebrate Crunch’s life purchase a commemorative bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup, which, according to investigators, was the object the Cap’n was staring at as he passed.
