NEW JERSEY – Famed fantasy novelist George RR Martin appeared before bewildered reporters this past Tuesday to tearfully admit that he accidentally lost the recently-finished next instalment of his wildly popular series down a storm drain.
“I am so, so, SO sorry you guys!” blubbered the disheveled and clearly distraught 71-year-old man, “I was just so excited to get it to my publisher that I didn’t see where I was going and….. and…..”
Martin then asked for a brief pause so he could sob heavily into his hat.
Witnesses report that the novelist was skipping down the street singing softly to himself while clutching an immense manuscript to his chest held together with only a single elastic band. What happened next is unclear but most sources agree that Martin, oblivious to his surroundings, collided with a fire hydrant causing him to fall forward and splay face-first into the street. The 1,540 page document then slid out of his arms and directly into and down a nearby storm drain.
“I tried everything to fish it out: bubblegum on a string, magnets, my arm. But nothing worked. It’s lost forever!“ he elaborated.
Martin expounded on the now forever-lost novel. “I was so excited for you all to see how I ended my saga entirely differently than how the HBO show did it. The rich, rewarding endings I had painstakingly crafted for Daenerys, Tyrion, Sansa, and everyone… fans would have been in heaven. If only I could remember any of it.”
Martin then interrupted the press conference to grab a scrap of paper and hastily scrawl “Jon = secret dragon?”
The novel, The Winds of Winter, is the sixth installment in the A Song of Ice and Fire series and has been eagerly awaiting by his fans for many years. Literary experts agree that the novel is likely now entirely lost given Martin’s eccentricities during his writing process. Apparently, immediately after finishing a novel, Martin smashes all computers in his house and burns all notes and early drafts of the book.
“But don’t worry everyone, I’m pretty sure there was a part in there where Jon does something with a dragon and where Tyrion marries Ned Stark. So I’ve already got a head start on rewriting it!” Martin reassured the audience
“Yep, pretty sure he marries Ned Stark. That sounds right,” he continued.
Martin ended the press conference with the revelation that some of his notes had been saved from the incinerator, namely including: 32 pages of sword names; 250 pages introducing a single new irrelevant character; and 500 pages of descriptions of food.
Martin’s publishers have already begun taking advance orders for an expected release date in 2067.
