TORONTO – A tense standoff is currently taking place on a TTC subway car between its passengers and a guide dog that everyone is desperately trying not to touch.
“I’m terrified I’m actually going to do it,” remarked commuter, Dylan Gavin. “He’s literally wearing a sign that says ‘please don’t pet or touch me’ but c’mon, look how cute he is! I just want to rub his belly and tell him he’s a fuzzy little good boy!”
The undeniably adorable Golden Retriever named Barney belongs to Raymond Henson, a legally blind individual who is well aware of the potential clusterfuck that his essential animal presents.
“It’s like walking around with a hand grenade”, commented Henson. “I’m blind and even I can see how powerful those big wet eyes are.”
Sources close to the animal have said that if Barney was let off his leash would be the perfect embodiment of joy.
Several passengers attempted to distract themselves with meditation apps, while some even resorted to making awkward small talk with each other. Unable to cope with the nerve racking experience a few passengers were sent running off the train at the closest stop.
“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” said teenager, Rachel Nelson. “I’m going to be late for my first day of work, but if I had stayed on that train one second longer I for sure would have been all over that majestic doggy taking selfies.”
The situation took a dangerous turn when Barney started scratching himself behind the ear, causing paralegal attorney, Lakna Patel to reach out to give the animal a helping hand. Luckily, preschooler Timmy Sanders was able to swat her arm away before it was too late.
“Thank God for that kid”, said Lakna, adding. “If he wasn’t there, I might have even given that poochy-woochy my entire roasted chicken sandwich.”
At the time this article, Barney had curled up into an adorable donut, causing the conductor to pull the emergency alarm and evacuate the entire vehicle.
