TORONTO – Private gallery owner Richard Grier announced that a Group of Seven painting stolen this week was thankfully was only a piece by Frederick Varley.
“You can imagine my distress when I noticed a missing painting in the Group of Seven section,” said Grier. “I was terrified that it would be a priceless A.Y. Jackson piece, or perhaps a work by Lawren Harris. Thank god it was just a lame ass Varley”
Local police constable Adam Keeler pointed out that a missing Varley is indeed a low priority. “If it was a Tom Thomson or Emily Carr, that would be different,” said Keeler. “But I don’t have the manpower or budget to chase after the banal aesthetic and flat colours of Varley’s work.”
Grier was relieved to discover the stolen painting was only the work of the Group of Seven’s equivalent to the guy in The Barenaked Ladies who plays the upright bass.
“I forgot I even had it,” said Grier. “A few years ago I lost a bet and got stuck with the Varley. Since refusing to admire a Group of Seven painting is punishable by death in Ontario, I threw a frame from the Dollar Store on it and tucked it away behind a Franklin Carmichael.”
Grier had previously tried donating the painting, titled “Some Day The People Will return,” to the Art Gallery of Ontario, who replied that they had “too many piles of Varleys already.” Grier also had the painting rejected by the Salvation Army, which enforces a strict art policy of “Arthur Lismer-quality or higher donations.”
Should the thief come forward, Grier has decided not to press charges, provided they keep the Varley painting and agree to take an eye exam.
