VICTORIA, BC – During an argument with her boyfriend, Theresa Stover discovered that she isn’t so much mad as she is impressed by her cheating boyfriend, Devon Caputo’s, time management abilities.
“At first I felt terribly betrayed,” claimed Stover, 33, “But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that his energy alone is mind boggling. I find it challenging to juggle work, personal life, and me time. But Devon manages to squeeze in holding down a full time job at a law firm, working out regularly, going out to find someone to cheat with, deceiving me spectacularly, and binge watching Netflix with me nightly. I know I should be furious, but he should be studied!”
However, Devon Caputo doesn’t find his abilities out of the ordinary. “I’m just like any other person. I put my pants on one leg at a time, and have a deep need to be liked by everyone, while simultaneously having empathy for no one. I’m just your ‘Average Joe’.”
Though Stover was upset at the initial discovery of the affair, she is too flabbergasted by Devon’s ease at scheduling. “I should for sure break up with him”, Theresa continued, “But I guess I want him around to figure out how I should be spending my days. Like, does this dude not realize so much time could be wasted by scrolling through social media apps? The week his law firm had a merger, (Caputo) was home every night for dinner and managed to go to a ‘Bed and Breakfast’ with his mistress that weekend. Like fuck this guy but also, WOW!”
Though there is no sociological reason why Caputo excels in time management, researchers have hypothesized that his scheduling miracles result from having a girlfriend working “ungodly hours of emotional labour”, thus freeing up his personal time. However, this theory remains unfounded, since emotional labour cannot as of yet be quantified.
At press time, Theresa is still seeing Devon, but her awe is slowly starting to give way to creeping resentment.
