OTTAWA – A new report by print media analysts revealed Thursday that up to 70% of all physical newspaper subscriptions have been traced back to organized crime, as cartels and fringe groups responsible for kidnappings use their subscriptions to show their hostages are alive.
“There’s really no better way to show proof of life than your cowering hostage holding the front page of today’s newspaper,” said a criminal source on condition of anonymity. “And when you can get a picture of the guy holding a newspaper reporting his own kidnapping on the front page? That’s a thing of beauty!”
The report indicated that brand names carry clout, with publications like the Washington Post, and the New York Times being favourites. Most important, the report says, is the date in the upper corner and the headline of yesterday’s news, while many in the criminal world say there’s just something about the feel of a newspaper when it’s held in the fragile, shaky hands of someone who just wants to go home.
“Digital just isn’t the same,” according to another source. “We’ve used an iPad a few times, but they never ended up believing us, so we’d have to chop off some fingers and send them wrapped in newspaper anyway.”
When asked about saving magazines for cutting out letters for ransom notes, the source said: “We’re a highly organized operation and we don’t have time to flip through Vogue, Vanity Fair or GQ for interesting typography. That’s all digital fonts now.”
“We can’t save every medium.”
