UXBRIDGE, ON – An Ontario student living three years into the future will receive a perfect score on his standardized phrenology exam.
William Paxter, 17, will put in long hours of studying the the shapes of people’s head to determine moral character since the Ford government had already replaced its modern social studies curriculum with the older 1830s curriculum.
“I enjoyed the challenge,” the Uxbridge Secondary School pupil will say, who will also show promise in subjects like Principles of Morse Code and the 1998 version of sex ed. “My essay on amativeness and philoprogenitiveness among the lower classes impressed the school master so much that he promptly brought my work to the Ministry to validate my performance.”
Paxter will attribute his academic success to hard work, coming from good stock, and having a perfectly symmetrical cranium, which enhances his superior sentiments such as wit and veneration.
Had the social sciences curriculum not been deemed as “social engineering” by the government in 2019, Paxter might not be given the opportunity to excel at the very, very dated curriculum.
“I am hoping to be accepted into the Edinburgh Phrenological Society with full scholarship next year,” a future Paxter will explain with high hopes in a topic deemed obsolete 170 years before.
Meanwhile, math students at Uxbridge Secondary will struggle to figure out how their abacuses worked since their graphing calculators were taken away due to budget cuts.
