WINNIPEG – Since starting a ketogenic diet 4 days ago, Garden City resident Raekell Griggs has begun trying to recruit friends for the diet with a fervour usually only found in those who are attempting to convince others that they can personally communicate with a god.
“Everything we know about nutrition has been a lie made up by big sugar,” said Griggs, with a passion matching that of Joseph Smith when convincing a crowd that an angel revealed magical golden tablets to him. “But we have been saved from the evil carbohydrates. Bacon fat is our salvation and apples are the devil.”
Griggs reserves every Sunday for “the most holy meal prep,” and has taken to quoting passages from Quick & Easy Ketogenic Cooking: Meal Plans and Time Saving Paleo Recipes to Inspire Health and Shed Weight by Maria Emmerich.
“This is pretty typical of Raekell,” reported Griggs’ sister Janet. “She approaches everything with a borderline religious enthusiasm. She was 6 months away from taking her vows and becoming a minister when she discovered Atkins. She threw away all of her clothes and replaced them with Lulu Lemons and has never been the same since.”
Though Raekell Griggs has previously evangelized for other activities, including veganism, zumba, reiki, and replacing shampoo with river water, her zeal for Keto has been unmatched. After shoehorning Keto into every conversation, Griggs found that she was still not talking about keto enough. She then begun travelling door to door, preaching the redeeming power of ketosis from the plague of love handles.
At press time Raekell is currently trying to convince her roommate to drink a pint of coconut oil, promising she will be rewarded for it in the afterlife.
