WELLINGTON, ON – Based entirely on how much they’re all talking about it, friends of local woman, Karen Hespeler, 29, say she seems to be the first woman in the entire fucking history of the human species to conceive and bear a child.
Citing the profound impact the whole experience of her being pregnant has been, family members noted the inexplicable changes in her body happened soon after her wedding to her husband, Mark. The non-metastatic growth in her uterus prompted friends and family to then bombard the woman with questions and gifts for several months, as the occasion has been deemed so special as to have never fucking happened before to anyone at any time.
“She’s having a baby. This isn’t like it’s something that has happened billions of times before for countless generations,” said long-time friend Clara Fitzpatrick, 31, adding that she’s noticed as Hespeler’s abdomen has expanded with child, her mouth seems unable to talk about fucking anything else. “It’s not like there are books about this or something. We just have to support her through what will surely be a strange and completely unknowable experience.”
“I have no idea what’s it’s going to be like,” said Hespeler, adding that she can’t think of anyone in her life that would be able to guide her through this on account of how rare childbirth is. “Doctors say it could be anywhere from nine-months or twelve years before the human inside bursts through my belly. Only time will tell.”
At press time, Hespeler was looking forward to never seeing any of her friends again outside of her child’s birthdays for the next 15 years or so.
