Kingston, ON – Displaying saint-like patience in the face of temptation, local 29 year-old Marcus Richmond consistently eats the crust of his pizza first, ignoring the topping, cheese, and sauce-covered side.
“It’s like eating your vegetables before having dessert,” said the man who has basically chosen to give up all pleasure in pursuit of enlightenment. “Sometimes I won’t even use a dipping sauce, even though the crust can get pretty dry.”
Richmond, who will soon exist solely on the spiritual plane, has maintained this incredible self-control for nearly four years and there seems to be little chance of him stopping.
“I don’t even notice that I’m doing it anymore,” said Richmond, displaying the wise sagacity of the humble tortoise. “If anything, it makes me appreciate the pizza more.”
Richmond then paused, as if to consider his place in the universe and the universe’s place in him, before belching quietly.
Richmond is also known for denying himself other pleasures of the flesh, such as his choice to not take his phone with him into the bathroom, saving half his bag of chips for after work, and his propensity to read to the end of long internet articles instead of just leaving the tab open for 3 weeks.
“For some people, pizza is a treat,” said Richmond, completely beyond any earthly desire. “But I think it’s always important to think of your health. That’s why I get it with green peppers.”
At press time, Richmond had transformed into a beam of light and ascended to the astral plane.
