Menlo Park, CA – Social media giant Facebook announced today that they’ve intentionally leaked billions of its users embarrassing personal failures in an attempt to show the world that, hey, maybe people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.
“I get it, we might be responsible for the decay of democracy around the world,” said CEO Mark Zuckerberg. “But Michelle Larrette of Victoria, BC spends 10 minutes everyday looking herself up on Bing so maybe we’re all a little broken.”
Facebook’s marketing department believes that by exposing everyone’s personal foibles disillusioned users will eventually realize that they need to focus on their own shit before throwing shade at a company just trying to do its best.
With time, Facebook says all 2.2 billion of them will even be able to laugh about it, just like how they laughed at Madrid resident Jose Garcia when he accidentally sent a dick pic to his boss’s boss.
“Everyone thinks they’re sooooo perfect,” continued Zuckerberg. “So in 2005 when Aaron Matheson of Boston fell over doing a keg stand and landed right on Zoe Nyugen’s head that must have been intentional, right? Right, Mr. Perfect?”
“You gave her a concussion, Aaron.”
At press time, Facebook had stopped leaking the mortifying secrets after realizing it would be more profitable to outright blackmail their users.
