MONTREAL – Local eyewitnesses have recently confirmed that despite temperatures well above 10 degrees Celsius, that giant pile of disgusting snow in the mall parking lot has somehow survived.
“I’m walking around in a t-shirt and shorts, enjoying the spring weather, and there it was!” reported Michael Flaherty, a local carpenter, “How is that even possible? The snow everywhere else has already melted.”
And although the dinge-heap has shrunk from its former glory, it remains the sole holdover of a bygone era when ice and sleet ruled the roads. Indeed, as the grime glacier has reduced in size, new discoveries have been found frozen in its obscene core, including 400 empty potato chip bags, an entire shopping cart, and half a seagull.
“Last year it lasted until mid-July!” enthused Judy Couturier, a grade 11 teacher, “I mean I would never go near it considering how it’s now almost pitch black but it’s still pretty neat to think about.”
Onlookers describe the pile as featuring small spots of grey-white snow but generally covered in a dark shell of the collected atmospheric pollutants, exhaust fumes, and air dirt which we all breathe in daily. Climate scientists speculate that the frozen hill of scumslush is protected by this outside layer of filth itself, forming a sort of exoskeleton which keeps the snow alive. Still others revere the monument as a diety, suggesting that asking questions of its mysterious origin or ability to withstand melting is akin to blasphemy.
“Like the Mausoleum at Helecarnasus or the Hanging Gardens of Babylon before it, the Montreal Muckberg is truly a wonder to behold,” said local historian Dr. Edgar Metcalf. “Next week we will be launching a formal expedition to extract core samples which should tell us what our planet’s climate was like back in December 2017 when the mountain first formed.”
Meanwhile, Montreal police have begun an information blitz pleading with residents to refrain from the temptation to stick your tongue to it.
