MONTRÉAL – Wishing to attend a concert at local music venue Le Mixtape, systems analyst Brent O’Connell recently arrived at the advertised start time of 8:00 pm like the complete moron that he is. People who actually had a fucking clue did not expect things to get going until 9:45 at the earliest.
“I just think it’s important to support local artists and I didn’t want to miss the opening act,” explained the dim-witted mook with no understanding of how this scene actually operates. “I don’t mind if it takes a little while for the show to start. I guess I’ll just order another beer. Gotta support the venue too!” added O’Connell, who has a job that he goes to five days a week like some fucking chump.
Headlining act Bikini Squid, who arrived for their pre-show sound-check at 8:30pm, were surprised to find somebody already in attendance.
“The feminist folk/punk/drone scene is pretty divided these days, but the one thing that does unite us is our awareness of the natural, unspoken rhythms of our show times,” said Bikini Squid’s lead theremin player, Ryu Ishiguro. “Whoever this guy is, we’ll take his money, but he’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t belong here,” Ishiguro continued, hastily adding “Unless he’s from a label!”
This wasn’t the first instance O’Connell’s punctuality revealed him to be just the worst. Friends say two months ago he arrived at a dinner party hosted by co-worker Jeanne Poirier promptly at 6:00 pm as instructed.
“I was really counting on people getting there late in order to get the cooking done,” explained Poirier, “And sure, Brent stepped up to help with it all because he’s always gotta be such a fucking saint, but COME ON! Can’t he just scramble desperately through life like the rest of us?”
Poirier had agreed to attend the Bikini Squid concert with O’Connell and is reported to have arrived shortly after they finished their final song like a normal fucking person.
