TORONTO – Reports indicate that Uncle Jordan is in the middle of a three hour lecture to the family about his views on political correctness, the rise of the radical left, and dichotomizing Bible passages at length during Sunday’s Easter dinner.
The 55-year-old uncle launched into a long, eloquent rant veering from pseudo-science and religion to gender-identity and Soviet paintings from the 1950s.
“Back in my day, we didn’t have this gender neutrality nonsense,” said Uncle Jordan swirling his fifth whiskey of the evening.
The nine other people at the dinner table were reluctant to engage with the uncle’s outlandish opinions.
“The problem with your generation,” said Uncle Jordan pointing to the younger family members with his whiskey glass, “is that you’re bunch of Stalinist, PC-loving postmodernists.”
“Uncle Jordan has some outlandish theories about the end of Western Civilization, but he says it so confidently, you think it’s true,” said one family member. “Last Christmas, he went off on how he would get back at all of the neo-Marxists professors by launching a website exposing what he called their ‘corrupt propaganda.’”
Family members are unsure of what it is exactly that Uncle Jordan does for a living, though some speculate he might be some sort of professor or a cult leader.
“He told me that I should control my ‘crazy sisters,’” said a niece and second-year gender studies student, a field of study that her uncle says should be promptly defunded. “Then, he then told me to have children.”
Some guests have boycotted the dinner and protested his lecture by sitting at the kids’ table located just outside of the dining room.
However, his address did take a shining to one of his nephews.
“I knew it was feminism that was trying to send me and my opinions to the Gulag,” explained the very captivated 20-year-old and campus Conservative member. “The social justice warriors are running the universities and hate free speech. This is Maoism all over again.”
While the family admits Uncle Jordan will always be their uncle, they’re glad that he hasn’t taken some of his odious, half-baked ideas to the public realm.
“Imagine if this guy became some sort of popular cultural critic with bestselling books?” laughed one family member while finishing off what was left of a honey-glazed ham. “That would be a sad, sad day.”
