FAIRFAX, VA — In the wake of the Parkland, FL school shooting and subsequent public outcry, the NRA has lost several major sponsors including their latest: Henderson’s Child-Sized Coffins.
Henderson’s, the largest manufacturer of small to mid-sized caskets in the American southwest, followed several other companies including Hertz, Bestwestern, and Delta Airlines in announcing the end of their reciprocal “buy 1 coffin, get 1 coffin free” NRA discount.
“For years, Henderson’s Child-Sized Coffins had difficulty finding any corporate sponsors who were willing to partner with us at all,” said Gerald Henderson III, reading from a prepared statement. “But the National Rifle Association insisted that we ‘fit perfectly with their brand’. And the years since Henderson’s partnered with the NRA have been Child-Sized Coffins have been our most profitable years on record. However, in light of recent events, we have decided the NRA no longer aligns with the values of Henderson’s Child-Sized Coffins.”
“Or is it that the NRA aligns with our values too much? Either way, we’re out.”
In response, the NRA slammed Henderson’s for pulling their sponsorship. NRA chief executive Wayne LaPierre released a statement, “We at the NRA are disgusted by this shameful display of political and civic cowardice by Henderson’s Child-Sized Coffins. Don’t they realize how much business we’ve sent their way over the years?”
Currently, major NRA sponsors such as Apple, Amazon, and YouTube refused to comment on their NRA partnerships. However, NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch remained confident in the support of longtime sponsors like The Assault Rifle Liquidation Warehouse, Uzis for You-zis, Cop-B-Gone Armor Piercing Rounds, Daddy’s Shoebox: Gun Storage Solutions, and The Gauze Hut.
Back at the Kansas City headquarters, Gerald Henderson III remained confident in his company’s decision. “I find the modern NRA’s goals and methods have become reprehensibly ghoulish, and I say that as a man who has devoted his life to building tiny pine boxes to bury deceased children in.”
UPDATE: At press time the makers of Irving’s Specialty Nerve Gas have cut ties with the NRA, stating, “we make nerve gas, we’re not monsters.”
