It’s a scary time to be a sexual predator. The ongoing wave of firings and resignations has left many men wondering “am I next?” Here’s a few handy tips that will ensure you stay clear of righteous mobs armed with pitchforks, torches and class-action lawsuits:
1) Don’t sexually harass someone in public.
If you feel the need to shout at someone walking past you on the street, simply close your lips together until the feeling passes. If this is going to be a problem for you, feel free to tape your mouth shut when leaving the house.
2) Don’t sexually harass someone at work.
Instead of giving your employee an unsolicited backrub, try keeping your hands to yourself. If this one is a challenge, I recommend gluing oven mitts to your hands.
3) Don’t sexually harass someone on public transit.
If you think the subway is the perfect place to give your dick some fresh air, why not keep it in your pants, you fucking creep. If this doesn’t seem like an option for you, you can keep your hands busy with something else, such as gouging your own eyes out.
4) Don’t sexually harass someone in private.
If you’ve lured someone into your hotel room / elevator / mom’s basement with the intention of jerking off in front of them, don’t. Just don’t. If you’re not feeling up to this, go ahead and get bricked up in a wall and suffocate to death.
5) Don’t sexually harass someone underwater.
Admittedly if you can figure out how to sexually harass underwater it would be a little bit impressive.
But seriously don’t fucking do it.
