DARTMOUTH, N.S. – Putting to rest any doubt in the minds of ex-girlfriends everywhere, a new study has found that – despite noticing an established pattern of selfish, inexcusable behaviour – women getting back together with their old, shitty boyfriends can be confident that he’s changed now, and he’s for sure going to be different this time.
In the study, researchers took a representative sample of real shit boyfriends, all of whom were named Brendan. Each Brendan was placed in a relationship simulator that allowed them to feel what it was like to lose “you.” After awhile of being alone, each Brendon pleaded aggressively that he would change, and researchers say they’re convinced.
“It was remarkable,” said lead author Dr. Alex Gluckman. “Each Brendan had such soulful eyes. One even wrote a song for me after he said he felt so inspired by the moment.”
“How could I not take him back?”
While some of the data may appear troublesome, research has shown that one should ignore that feeling of extreme dread, because it’s much better to be in a relationship than single. Preliminary results show that each of these boys and in fact “very dreamy” and experts agreed that they could, “feel in their gut that they were so sorry for what they had done, and will definitely, 100% do better in the future.”
“All my friends said don’t get back together with him,” said Windsor resident, Sondra Chapman, 27, who recently started dating her on-again-off-again stand-up comedian boyfriend. “He cheated on you, he lied, he stole from your savings account and he never made eye contact. But after hearing about this study, I’m glad I know I’ve made the right decision to give Brendan a fourth chance.”
At press time, Brendan got a bunch of texts, and when asked who they were from, he replied “no one special.”
