WASHINGTON, DC – Less than a day after taking to twitter to re-characterize his promised border wall as “new renovation of old and existing fences,” President Donald Trump has once again downgraded his stance, holding a press conference to explain that in actuality, the real wall was the journey of lifelong friendship that we all experienced together.
“I know a lot of people are asking: where is the giant wall whose construction I made the centrepiece of my campaign? And a lot of you are scared we won’t know what to do without it,” Trump said in an official statement at the white house. “Well, I think you’re ready to see the wall. Because folks, the wall is right here. In fact… I think the wall has been here all along.”
While those in attendance briefly scanned the room for an actual giant wall, Trump simply chuckled softly and shook his head. “You don’t need a big, concrete, physical wall to separate the US and Mexico. The truth is… you never needed it. Because the wall was in you,” he explained to his bewildered supporters and media.
“Don’t you see? The wall was right here,” Trump smiled, laying his palm over a nearby staffer’s heart. “THIS was the wall.”
The president then went on to explain that while the idea of a big fantastical wall helped the country gain confidence and believe in itself, the real wall had always been an entirely figurative wall of camaraderie and friendship, built together among his base over the past year. “And that’s always what I meant,” asserted Trump repeatedly, “every time I ever said wall, I meant that, the friend thing. And also when you think about it Mexico did kind of pay for it, figuratively. No questions.”
Though the new metaphorical friendship-wall is in most ways more viable than the increasingly unlikely real wall, many Trump voters don’t know how to feel. “I’ve really made a habit of yelling ‘build the wall’ at liberals and minorities since last summer,” said Tyler Haines of Tampa Bay. “But I guess that means ‘let’s all be friends’? Oh well, at least now it means something, right?”
While Trump supporters and right wing pundits are disappointed that his repeated campaign promises turned out not to be for a literal wall, the President was quick to point out that they’re all disappointed, together… and in a way, that’s the greatest wall of all.
