WINDSOR, ON – After 32 years of intimately unique memories, local man Daniel Hagedorn is still unable to comprehend that his lived-in personal experience is not the universal human experience.
“I refuse to believe that every single person has not gone to sleep away camp!” Hagedorn told reporters. “Are you kidding me? It was such a cornerstone of my childhood! Of all of our childhoods!”
Hagedorn who went to a public suburban elementary school and high school as well as a reputable university, remains flabbergasted that the majority of the world has not experienced his same education journey. “I mean school totally sucks, but it is simultaneously a given and a privilege we were all afforded. Go Gryphons!”
“One of my coworkers told me she hadn’t seen Game of Thrones! I mean, how is that possible?” Hagedorn astonishingly remarked. His co-worker, Sonja Roberts was unavailable for comment as she was working late in a futile attempt to circumvent the gender wage gap.
“I bet if those Black Lives Matter protestors had a Molson every now and then, they would relax a little bit. Yup, just a brew and some nice Southern Ontarian cottage weather would clear them right up,” Hagedorn said while lounging on a Muskoka chair.
“I’m telling you if the world was made up of nothing but Daniel Hagedorns, we would all be better off…” Hagedorn trailed off sinisterly.
At press time, Hagedorn was seen mouth agape realizing that not everyone cheers for the Senators.
