WELLINGTON, ON – After pressing send and immediately seizing in shock, local landscaper, Richard Blendell, 31, was found last Tuesday in his apartment, suspended in time and space having accidentally sexted his own mother.
Authorities at the scene say that Blendell over-eagerly typed out his message into his last open thread and reflexively pressed send, only to be placed into an extreme state of catatonia where his body seized physically, mentally and, somehow – bending the laws of physics – temporally.
“This unfortunate man is living a nightmare scenario,” explained Dr. Haleburg of the Ottawa Institute for Psychological Trauma, currently supervising care of Blendell’s floating, unresponsive body.
“Essentially trapped, he is reliving – on a continuous loop – that split second of shock and Oedipal horror in which he realized his mother will wake up to see the erotic text message meant for woman who did not give birth to him.”
“He’s actually stopped aging. If I can be blunt, this is the craziest shit I’ve ever seen.” continued Dr. Haleburg with great glee. “My colleagues and I could not be more excited to finally have a specimen to study first hand. Who knows what discoveries this could lead to. And, also, our hearts go out to his family in this difficult time.”
Blendell’s mother could not be reached for comment, as witnesses report after reading her son’s text, she warped into another dimension to get away.
