OAKVILLE, ON – Leaping off the armrest of a recliner and just barely being caught by his mother mid-air, inches away from making impact with the hardwood floor, local two-year-old Ben Martel could not give a shit that this was at least the seventh time today that his parents saved his life.
“Oh, that’s just Ben for you!” said Ben’s mother Kathryn, 31, breaking into nervous laughter.
“He’s just full of energy,” commented Ben’s father, Tom, 28, as he wrestled a plastic bag off his son’s head, noting the boy’s obliviousness to his own mortality and complete taking-for-granted his parent’s constant efforts to keep him alive.
“A regular, healthy boy!”
According to the family, Ben’s favourite dinnertime game is to unexpectedly fling himself out of his high chair, making it clear that he has yet to allot any fucks to the phenomenon of gravity.
“It’s really a catch 22,” said Dr. Chester Burns, child development expert. “Children don’t gain the ability to give any shits until their parents, inevitably, fail to save them from the consequences of their actions, starting a lifetime of misguided resentment and deep rooted mommy/daddy trust issues,” he added before excusing himself to call his mother.
“I never should’ve told him they were like little faces,” Kathryn said, after pulling Ben away from tongue-kissing the power outlets goodnight. “but it was the only thing that would cheered him up after I told him he couldn’t eat the driveway salt.”
At press time, Ben had since been thanklessly saved from smashing his head or face 21 times, losing an eyeball 11 times, and hugging the hot hibachi to thank it for the burgers twice.
