OTTAWA – The Conservative Party has vowed to match Omar Khadr’s $10.5 million payout if he agrees to do “everything in his power” to remain in the news until the next federal election in 2019.
“What Mr. Khadr did was wrong, but none of us is beyond redemption,” said newly-minted Conservative leader Andrew Scheer. “All he needs to do now is stay in the public eye for a little longer, say the next year or two, maybe file a new lawsuit, go on ‘q’, things like that. No amount of money is too large for this cause.”
Khadr, who was granted the original settlement by the Canadian government for their involvement in his detainment and torture at Guantanamo, has refused to respond, stating that he just wants to put this traumatic experience behind him.
However, Scheer says that this simply is not an option if the Conservatives want a majority in 2019.
“I’m not going to lie, the Conservatives are in trouble. We’ve got hardcore alt-righters, crazy evangelicals, CEOs, and people who care more about tax breaks than healthcare,” said Scheer. “The only thing they all seem to agree on is that Omar Khadr should be strung up in the public square.”
“Who better to keep that message alive than Khadr himself?”
Khadr’s continued requests to be left alone haven’t dissuaded Scheer, who says Khadr just needs to realize that this is a win-win situation.
“Not only will he be $10.5 million richer,” said Scheer. “But just think how mad our base will be when they find out Khadr has received $21 million from federal parties.”
At press time, the Tories were planning to use Maher Arar as a back-up before remembering his $10.5 million settlement was paid out by Stephen Harper.
