WASHINGTON DC — Clocking in at just under 10 days on the job, White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci has completed a record-breaking run for destroying one’s entire career and credibility.
Scaramucci shattered the previous Trump Admin land speed immolation record held by Mike Flynn, who served as National Security Advisor for a blisteringly fast 24 days before spectacularly crashing and burning. While this land speed record is a first for Scaramucci, a former hedge fund manager and extra in Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps, he was quick both to congratulate himself and share credit.
“I couldn’t have accomplished this without the help of my old friend – a huge pile of cocaine,” Scaramucci yelled victoriously as security escorted him from the White House. Scaramucci also credited his record-setting career implosion to a training regimen of Glengarry Glen Ross quotes and an “all Red Bull and scotch” diet.
Asked to name his proudest accomplishment during his blindingly fast White House tenure, Scaramucci answered, “The fact that now no one will ever be able to hear Steve Bannon’s name again without picturing him sucking his own dick.” Upon being reminded that the past 10 days also saw the birth of his first son, Scaramucci responded, “Naw, still the ‘dick sucking’ thing.”
Amidst Scaramucci’s celebration over setting a record for destroying his own professional credibility and dignity, others begged to differ. Scaramucci’s former employer, President Trump himself, took to Twitter to argue over who deserved credit for the broken record:
The former White House staffer known as “the Mooch” – a nickname he himself coined and insisted on people using – then dared any incoming staffers to “beat 10 days, you losers.”
When told about the record and Scaramucci’s challenge for anyone to beat it, incoming Trump Admin Chief of Staff John Kelly cracked his knuckles, snapped his suspenders, and boldly stated, “Well, I’d better get started then!”
When asked if he had his eyes on any other land speed benchmarks, Scaramucci revealed plans to shatter the previous record for “making a plea deal to turn state’s evidence against the president in a foreign collusion investigation”.
