QUEBEC CITY – After nearly 4 decades, the province of Quebec has vowed to finally ratify the 1982 Constitution Act, on the sole condition that the rest of the country eats this disgusting grasshopper they found in the ravine.
“It has to be the whole thing, and it has to be alive,” said Premier Philippe Couillard, rattling the large and incredibly angry insect around in its jar. “No cooking allowed.”
While some believe Quebec’s support has no bearing on the document’s validity, others say the Quebec situation has to be resolved for the constitution to function properly, and are already nervously tying bibs around their necks.
“Just pretend you’re eating shrimp,” said Couillard, a slow grin spreading across his features as he readied the camera on his iPhone. “A raw, yellow, struggling shrimp the size of a large mouse.”
Although Prime Minister Trudeau began to advise the country to wash the grasshopper down with fine Canadian products, like BC wine, Alberta beer, or Ontario cider, he was unable to finish his sentence, after being overcome by a series of sexy, sexy dry heaves.
“I promise this isn’t like when we said we’d repeal the language laws if you ate that nightcrawler we found by the creek,” said Couillard, lifting up both hands. “Look, my fingers aren’t even crossed this time.”
At press time, while the nation could still feel one of the grasshopper’s legs twitching in its esophagus, everybody agreed this was better than the Meech Lake Accord.
