OTTAWA – Following several years worth of lascivious scandals and low approval ratings, the Upper House of Parliament is strongly considering permanently closing their illicit opium den to preemptively protect itself from additional negative press.
“As much as I love taking a strong hit of Sweet Lady O, I’m starting to think this opium den is more trouble than it’s worth,” said Senator Nick Sibbeston. “It’s only a matter of time before the media starts asking why we’re expensing all those long pipes and tasseled velvet pillows.”
The den, which contains several dozen varieties of opioid, was first constructed as a way to help senators relax on the 40% of days that they bothered to show up for work. It has been in constant operation since 1895.
“This opium den is a part of Canadian history. If they close it down that might be the last straw for me,” said Betty Unger. “I don’t know if it’s worth making over $100,000 a year if I can’t sandblast my brain with Chinese molasses 24/7.”
Despite the unfortunate situation, many senators are trying to keep their spirits up although it has proven difficult to do without access to heroin or even morphine. However, some, like Denise Batters, are looking at the positives.
“Everyone needs to buck up, this isn’t the end of the world,” said Batters, putting several bottles of laudanum into an old wooden crate. “It’s not like we’re dismantling the moonshine still or digging up Linda [Frum]’s mescaline cacti.”
This is the worst crisis to hit the Senate since Pamela Wallin and Patrick Brazeau were forced to shut down the thriving chop shop they were running out of the Senate antechamber.
