FREDERICTON – A ground-breaking study out of UNB has concluded that recent reductions in world life expectancy is caused equally by rising obesity rates and the recent invasion of the planet by Gorthax, the Hypergalactic Space Cannibal from beyond the stars.
“Obesity is the number one killer right now among industrialized nations. It’s linked to all manner of health issues including heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and more,” said Dr. Emil Tuskus of the Dr. Everett Chalmers Regional Hospital, “But equally fatal is last year’s incursion of Earth by Gorthax, thrice-cursed slayer of planets, who has consumed whole cities in his barbaric rampage. It’s really a toss-up of which will get you first.”
Many experts are pointing to obesity as the reason that Gorthax came here to begin with as the prevalence of large, slow, fatty humans represents exactly the sort of appetizing meal Gorthax thrives on. Others, however, see them as separate by equally concerning threats.
“It’s a tricky situation. On one hand, a sedentary lifestyle is a leading cause of obesity and we are trying to encourage people to get outside and start moving. On the other hand, Gorthax’s hunter drones utilize motion detection software in capturing and harvesting the Unholy Devourer’s prey so we’re stressing that people stay as still as possible when the unmistakable hum of the drones’ quantum engines approach,” Dr. Tuskus elaborated.
He concluded: “It’s tough to say what is worse but I would have to give the edge to obesity here.”
Governments around the world have now begun to heed the warnings and are dedicating resources to combat both threats. National exercise regimes have been implemented in Canadian public schools and have been paired with a revamped nutrition pyramid to emphasize lean proteins over red meat. Simultaneously, large swaths of Northern Manitoba have been set aside for sacrifice to Gorthax, the Consumer of Flesh, for the construction of his Centralized Bone-Grinding Pit in the hopes that he will spare us during the next culling.
Experts stress that just because obesity and Gorthax are the top two health risks does not mean that people should not forget about other threats like cigarettes or Ciggurax: The Interstellar Parasite.
