NAPANEE, ON – Millions of microbes assembled in the descending colon of Curtis Lawrence to vote to officially unionize their collective as Gastrointestinal Tract Workers Local 298.
“We recognize the emergence of healthy gut bacteria as a sought-after trending commodity,” explained Microbiota #129078, “People quite literally cannot get enough of us. Therefore, we want to ensure that our rights are being protected during the digestive process.”
“Most people are subjecting us, by the millions, to hostile territories,” remarked Microbiota #45938, “People just full of $2 Jager shots and 2 am binged McDonald’s, and they just expect us to completely restore the flora of their gut. Well no more. We won’t be treated this way.”
The continued ingestion of probiotics in the form of regulatory yogurt endorsed by Jamie Lee Curtis was intended as a temporary fix to Lawrence’s upset stomach.
“Lousy scabs, the lot of them. If I have to hear the words ‘kombucha’ or ‘dosa’ ever again, I swear I’ll just step into a UV ray and end it all,” said Microbiota #986279 as it stubbed out a cigarette.
Following the “Antibiotic Workplace Accident of ‘09”, members of the healthy gut bacteria community approached Immune and Circulatory Systems Workers Local 143. White blood cells were thus employed as arbiters between Lawrence and the microbiota during their collective bargaining negotiations.
Microbiota #68271, undoubtedly the emerging leader of the union, concluded by insisting that the work for healthy gut bacteria has just begun, adding that, “The countless hours we have to ferment in less than ideal pH environments is not reflected in our pay. We have a real shitty job to begin with and it’s about time we receive the proper benefits for such essential work.”
