WASHINGTON D.C. – Authorities have issued an amber alert for the lost and presumed missing Donald Trump, last seen chasing a loose balloon through the streets of the U.S. capitol.
“We had just exited Krazy Kat’s Pizza and Arcade after Mr. Trump was ejected for throwing pizza at a nearby family,” said Vice-President Mike Pence, choking back tears, “I had tied the President’s balloon to his wrist so he wouldn’t let go of it but I guess the string was a little loose because next thing I know he and it were both gone!”
At the time of the incident, Trump was wearing a Krazy Kat brand party hat and a black, ill-fitting, $12,000 suit. He can be identified by his unjustifiable confidence and tendency to misuse adverbs. Police have cautioned the public that the 70-year old President has been taught to be fearful of strangers and so, even if you spot him, he should not be approached if you are Black, Arab, Latino, Asian, or even the white kind of Spanish, as that would likely just make things worse.
Women, the police added, should not approach him at any time for their own safety.
“If you see him, please just call the police so that we can return him to his loved ones,” said Officer Dale Barkley of DC Metro Police, “The President is easily distracted by trivial things so we are equipping all police with plates of cake and phones loaded with Twitter in the hopes that they can find him and convince him to come with them.”
Most will recall that this is not the first time the current leader of the free world has become lost. A noteworthy incident occurred during a campaign stop in Georgia in July 2016 when Mr. Trump followed a stray puppy into a construction site and accidentally rode a crane-mounted girder to the top of a skyscraper.
“Please help us bring our precious Donald home,” pleaded Pence to assembled cameras, “Much like millions of Americans for vastly different reasons, he’s probably very, very scared right now.”
