TORONTO – Roommates Darrin, Phil, and Maria were surprised this weekend when a massive rat scrabbled out from behind the stove and asked them if they could please take better care of the place.
“Guys, we really need to step it up,” said the human-sized rat, using its terrible rat hands to open a bag of microwave popcorn. “There’s garbage everywhere, no one has done the dishes for weeks, and there’s a 6ft rat calling house meetings.”
The rat then explained that he wasn’t excusing his own behaviour, noting that his hair is probably what’s been clogging the drain, but that the only way they were going to solve this hygiene issue was to work together. His speech made, the rodent then handed out several grubby photocopies of a chore schedule.
“I’m just saying my abnormal size and the state of this apartment might be related,” said the rat, gnawing on a broken-off table leg. “And, really, I’m calling this meeting because I’m worried about you guys. The mess doesn’t even bother me that much. I live in the six inch space inside the wall.”
At press time, it was the horse-sized cockroach’s turn to do the dishes.
