WEST VIRGINIA – Following through on his promise to get coal country working again, Donald Trump has purchased millions of tons of coal, and buried it throughout the West Virginian countryside.
“I’ve had it with crooked Democrats saying coal isn’t economically viable anymore,” said the new President, to thunderous applause. “We’ve proven that all you need to do is believe in coal country.”
“And then close down every natural gas and hydroelectric plant. And purchase tens of billions of dollars worth of coal, and bury it shallow enough that a company can dig it up again on the cheap.”
This development comes as a relief to residents of coal country, who really need jobs, now that their medicaid has been repealed.
“We don’t want government handouts,” said Bo Colton, an out-of work mine maintenance planner. “We want jobs. Jobs that can only exist if the government subsidizes the industry as a roundabout and inefficient form of welfare.”
But even though the staggering cost of coal and garish, chrome-plated Trump-brand mining equipment has bankrupted the country, West Virginians are once again able wake up in the morning and head to work in carcinogenic, non-unionized conditions.
At press time, Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall still hadn’t heard back about payment for all that coal he loaned the US.
