OTTAWA – A well-rested and freshly dreamy Prime Minister Trudeau returned from an island vacation in the Bahamas Monday with that “new controversy smell” after purchasing an ethics investigation he spotted in a roadside bodega.
“I knew immediately I had to have it,” said Trudeau, known for his collection of minor scandals and contrition-themed wall tchotchke. “I was just about to buy a ‘Suns Out Buns Out’ t-shirt, but when I saw the free helicopter ride from a billionaire religious leader, my eyes just lit up like a kid in a professional conduct review board.”
The Trudeau family had spent the weekend relaxing on a private island owned by longtime family friend the Aga Khan, a billionaire philanthropist and aficionado of confusing first names. Trudeau claims he spent the better part of an afternoon picking out just the right souvenir to present to the people of Canada, who were unable to make the trip due to work conflicts.
However, Trudeau’s detractors were unconvinced of his generosity. Opposition Leader and controversy enthusiast Rona Ambrose led a rousing denouncement of the inquiry in Parliament this morning. “I suspect that he bought it for himself and is pretending it’s for everyone,” she claimed, “or worse, he just grabbed it at the gift shop on his way through the airport.”
“That’s a very hurtful and, frankly, ungrateful accusation,” replied Trudeau in a press release. “I put a lot of time and thought into bringing back a souvenir investigation for all Canadians to enjoy. I even paid for the extra freight and swallowed the difference in ethical currency,” he continued, noting the Bahamas measures its integrity in US tender. “Do you know what the exchange rate is on moral opprobrium these days?”
There is still no word on what the Prime Minister will be getting Canada for its 150th anniversary this year, but sources say it will be lavish, thoughtful, and likely tie up our courts for generations to come.
