TORONTO – In a move that has caught local patrons off-guard, the Canadian Opera Company and multinational giant Unilever have agreed to a surprise, six-year partnership that will see the Four Seasons Centre for the Performing Arts renamed the Axe Body Spray Fuck Dome.
COC chairperson Donna Weiztman assured subscribers this week that the name change would not affect the company’s robust, 2017 programming schedule, and its enviable mix of breathtaking classics and bold, avant-garde offerings. They will, however, now be able to enjoy said offerings in a fully black-lighted environment while sipping on a vintage bottle of Bud Light Lime and receiving an in-seat sleeve tattoo or tramp stamp.
Additionally, Weitzman noted, should the mood strike them, attendees will also have the option of perusing an all-new menu carefully curated by executive chef Guy Fieri.
“Nothing compliments the exquisite existential ennui of Pagliacci,” she continued, “quite like a plate of Jalepeno-infused Ass Blast Nacho Nuggets.”
Meanwhile, Axe Body Spray spokesman Joaquin “Queef” Guiterriez described the new partnership as “an exciting opportunity to show our clientele that opera isn’t just for Cucks, Prudes, and Dykes,” adding that, “We look forward to introducing our city’s stellar crew of Bros and Boss Bitches to Toronto’s diverse community of operatic talents, who embody the full splendor of human potential. No homo.”
While the COC is adamant that it’s not concerned about tensions arising between its new and existing clientele, the company did concede that it now faces the logistical hurdle of finding parking for as many as four thousand souped-up 1997 Pontiac Firebirds.
