WINDSOR, ON – The parents of six-year-old Anthony Parker are both proud and shocked at the speed with which he achieved one of his New Year’s resolutions: “to become a big ninja robot.”
Sources close to the family say the transformation happened early in the month, with the youngest Parker shooting up from a modest 3 foot 11 inch frame to a hulking metallic assassin standing at well over 8 feet, when his pneumatic legs are fully extended. The boy’s achievement was discovered when his father Tony Sr. came into his bedroom to tuck him in one night.
“I whispered ‘good night, champ’ as I walked up to his bed, but discovered he wasn’t there,” recalled Tony Sr. “I panicked for a second, until I hear this cold, computerized voice behind me say ‘you need to work on your reflexes, daddy. If I didn’t love you, you’d be dead right now.’”
Friends of the family say they’re very impressed that little Anthony was able to achieve his New Year’s goal, mere weeks into the year, noting that he’d always been a determined young lad. Neighbours confirm smiling to themselves while hearing his subtle, feather-light titanium footfalls upon jumping from rooftop to rooftop in the night.
“His confidence is now sky-high, which is great, but he’s becoming a bit of a problem at school because of his strict adherence to the code of the Shinobi,” said the mechanical stealth warrior boy’s mother, Genevieve.
“He’s eager to learn, but he does not suffer dishonour from other classmates very well,” she added, after ducking Anthony’s warning shuriken.
His teacher Cheryl Attwell confirmed this, saying Anthony, “can can sit still if he wants, but if he notices another student picking on someone else with his 360 degree sensor array, he’ll leap over five rows of desks and hold a sai to the bully’s throat, saying something like ‘an invisible shadow will visit your house after dusk.’”
While Anthony’s parents are adjusting to his new habits, they do say they’re a bit worried about some of his other resolutions.
“I don’t even want to think about him becoming Space President,” lamented Tony Sr.
“What a commute that would be.”
