REGINA, SK – Searching for authentic storytelling, local coffee shop assistant manager Shawn Brockston says he is done with mainstream Hollywood films, opting to only read the novelizations of films instead.
“Everything from Hollywood is such a cash grab,” muttered Brockston as he licked his finger and turned a page in his copy of Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! The Book! “It’s why I prefer the purity of the written word.”
Brockston emphasized that he sticks exclusively to the arena of novels based on movies, refusing to read books adapted for the screen saying, “I can tell the difference. One time I accidentally read No Country for Old Men, and it felt really weird. After I was done, I look on the cover and I’m like ‘Ugh… It’s a Pulitzer winner.’”
Brockston revealed a vast library which contained hundreds of novelizations: “I’ve got Rocky, Cliffhanger, everything Stallone, really,” he said, along with modern adaptations like Battleship and Sausage Party, plus dozens in what Brockston dubs his “classics” section.
“Just listen to the tautness of the prose here,” gushed Brockston, pulling a copy of The Three Stooges’ Half-Wits Holiday, and reading:
“‘There’s a hair in my soup,’ complained Curly.
“‘You’re crazy,’ retorted Moe, ‘That’s a crack in your plate.’
Moe then smashed the soup bowl over Curly’s head with an audible ‘BOINK’. Curly ran his hands over his face in frustration.”
“When it’s a book, you feel the Stooges’ heartbreak so much more eloquently,” sighed Brockston.
Brockston also confided that his library is a great way to impress women on dates. “At first, they wonder why I constantly refuse to go to the movies. Then, when I show them this collection, they say ‘I guess this kind of makes sense,’ and then they always go, presumably to make up for lost time and start their own collection.”
Afterwards, Brockston excused himself to go listen to the new Weeknd album and retired to a large chair by a fireplace to thumb through a stack of sheet music.
