NASSAU, BAHAMAS – Proving that not only do dolphins have the capacity for complex language, new research from the University of Nassau suggests that they have actually been using filthy curse words toward the human species this whole time.
“Our data says dolphins have dirty mouths and a sick sense of humour,” said lead researcher Dr. Christopher St. Thomas, who first realized that the series of clicks and whines he was hearing from his study pod of bottlenose dolphins was almost entirely abhorrent profanity.
Thanks to a recently developed algorithmic translation matrix, scientists were able to determine that up to half of what dolphins say is, “shocking and offensive,” while the other half, “would be too much for a Judd Apatow movie.”
An example translation of a three-second recording taken from a recent swim-with-the-dolphins encounter reads:
“Like, Jesus Christ’s cunt on a crab, buddy! This shit guzzling cum-hat thinks I want his fucking smelt? I oughtta bite off his tiny, unretractable ape cock and shove a sea urchin so far up his gross, brown-shitting fuckhole so he can breathe out of his dorsal area finally.”
“Of course the delighted 8-year-old boy had no idea that the dolphin just said that to him at the time,” said Dr. St. Thomas.
“In retrospect, we probably shouldn’t have told him.”
Experts speculated that the sour dolphin demeanour might have been caused by negative past interactions with humans, since we have used their home as a place to dump our refuse for generations, and captured so many of their kind in order to enclose them in small marine theme parks for our amusement. But according to the doctor’s research team, who first attempted communication in the dolphin’s language to ask them why they’re so mean spirited, the translation matrix said the dolphins simply responded with, “it’s cuz ur so gay, LOL!”
In the same study, the authors found that porpoises are, in fact, perfect gentlemen.
