WASHINGTON, DC – After waking up and fretting this morning’s conversation at the breakfast table, approximately 150 million American parents stammered their way through roughly the exact same evasive story to deflect the disappointing results of Tuesday’s Presidential Election.
“I’ve always taught Olivia that bullies never win. But when a xenophobic bigot defied logic by succeeding to win the Electoral College because he appealed to the baser instincts of white working class voters in the Rust Belt, I was in a tough spot,” explained Jonathan Smith, father of a Madison, a Wisconsin preschooler.
“However, when I opened my mouth, for some reason I dove into a synopsis of the Disney movie Frozen. Before I knew it, Elsa had been elected Princess of our dining room.”
Smith’s experience was echoed throughout America. Luke Skywalker, Dory, and even Chase from Paw Patrol were anointed to various titles to help gloss over the waking nightmare of Trump’s shocking win. Regardless of the outcome, each version of the kid-friendly narrative involved a parent picking a fictional character seemingly at random, detailing their rise from obscurity, and usually teaming up with Santa Claus to save the next four Christmases.
Parents all over the United States were thankful that their toddlers and grade schoolers were gullible enough to buy the story, citing an emphatic “believe me” was the key to any good lie.
At press time, everyone who dropped their kids off at school spent the next five minutes sobbing in the car.
