WINNIPEG – Local man Gregory Myers has made it through another goddamn day of this thing we call life, mainly by thinking about ice cream.
“It can be hard to get up in the morning, knowing that your day, like all the days before it, will be terrible from start to finish,” said Myers, an account executive at an advertising company. “But that is when you really have to buckle down and remind yourself that there exists a sugary dairy product, out in the world, which you can have if you make it through.”
“It really takes the edge off,” he added.
Myers divides his day into units. During the shitty mornings, he thinks about cookie dough flavour. In the existential crisis causing boredom of afternoons, he focuses on mint chocolate chip. And to get him through the evenings, when his thoughts naturally wander to his regrets and embarrassing moments, he goes all out with a hardcore milkshake fantasy.
Co-workers have noticed that Myers’ strategy has been paying off.
“Sometimes when I am staring at my computer, wondering how anyone can survive this nightmare of human existence, I look over and see his glazed expression and realize he has gone back to the ice cream room in his mind. He isn’t happy, but he isn’t as miserable as everyone else, which is pretty amazing,” said Melissa Rodriguez.
Recently, Myers has expanded his ice cream-based visualizations past his working day, keeping stored memories of Neapolitan or even Super Kid at the ready to help him get through troubling news stories. “Just last week I accidentally stumbled on a presidential debate,” Myers recalled, “and the only thing that could soothe me through was acknowledging that Cherry Garcia is a tangible item in the world, and no election can make that untrue.”
Unfortunately Myers says his ice cream strategy really only works during the week. So to get through weekends he has turned to mainlining heroin.
