HELL – The devil has expressed frustration and confusion at the fact that some of humanity has appeared to like raisins in cookies, what he considers to be one of his most depraved acts of evil.
“My vision was to strike at the heart of hope,” he explained. “Everyone loves chocolate chip cookies. Most comforting, delicious treat, across the board. And raisins look SO MUCH like chocolate chips! Imagine seeing this object of pure nostalgia, taking a bite expecting gooey chocolatey bliss, and you get a rubbery bug-like texture from a piece of dried garbage fruit!”
He then began a thunderous cackle, before coming back down to earth, and shaking his head with a sigh.
“I just can’t figure out where we went wrong.”
Satan revealed documents from his labs on the fifth level of Hell that showed early drafts of the plan. Previous edits included cookies with live worms in them, or cookies that made bats fly out of the person who eats them. He cast these aside, feeling that they were not subtle enough to be truly insidious.
“You know how some days, nothing you do feels good enough?” lamented the dark lord. “I honestly thought I knocked it out of the park with this one, but now you’ve got grandmothers baking these at Christmas.”
Design lead demon Moloch the Tormentor added that Hell “really needed this one” to regain the fear of humanity after their earlier failure of black licorice. “That one took the wind right out of our sails. I mean, we even made it look like charcoal, and taste like sulfur.”
Scholar demons hypothesize that it may be an issue of technology lagging behind an increasingly corrupt surface world. Efforts are underway to bring all instruments of torment up to speed to match today’s levels of human depravity.
“We’re working on a hot new project right now,” hinted Satan. “I can’t reveal too much, but it’s basically the most foul beverage ever known. Tastes just terrible. Full of bacteria and yeast.”
At press time, no one had the heart to tell Satan about the popularity of kombucha.
