TORONTO – Seneca, the roman stoic philosopher and advisor to Roman Emperor Nero, has voiced his displeasure at the college that carries his name.
“I know I teach that we should all strive to be free from jealousy, anger and envy but the having such an institution carry you name is an insult that no one can ignore.” said Seneca “Let me guess, there’s school called Marcus Aurelius College that everyone thinks is more important.”
While Seneca primarily dealt with abstract issues such as the nature of consciousness and what is truly right, Seneca College primarily concerns itself with technical skills such as party planning and spa therapy. In fact, most students are unaware of the college’s namesake. “I thought Seneca was french for school,” said hospitality foundations student Nima Gimpana.
Seneca was further angered by many frosh week activities. “I argued that only virtue, and not earthly pleasures, such as Busch Light, could bring happiness. Although I did get invited to a toga party so I am looking forward to engaging in calm reasoned discussions of the nature of existence.”
“We’ve heard these complaints from Seneca before,” confirmed President David Agnew. “But frankly, being able to explain why the soul is corporeal rather than incorporeal is not useful in the job market.”
Some teachers, such as Bob McKinley, are upset with Seneca’s assertions that they differ from his teaching methods. “I exclusively teach refrigerator repairs through a series of complicated and esoteric poems, dialogues and plays.”
Seneca has sued the school for copyright and intellectual property violations. He is demanding a tenured position, a focus on stoic philosophy and for all except wealthy white males to be excluded from education.
