BRANDON, MB – Despite assurances from the manufacturer that this would be “the last fuck-swing you’ll ever buy”, the SwayGasm Mk. IV purchased by Dave Lewis, 46, and Martha Lewis, 44, has broken almost exactly 24 hours after the warranty expired.
“Freaking hunk of junk,” said Dave, kicking at the remains of the fuck-swing. “Top German engineering my ass!” Mr. Lewis went on to lament that he and his wife had only gotten in a couple dozen “really good hardcore fuck sessions” with the swing, since purchasing it a year ago.
“You know, normal everyday use,” explained Martha Lewis.
The fuck-swing, made in Tennessee by Rock Hard Inc., was supposedly the best fuck-swing on the market according to Yelp reviews, a fact that Martha Lewis now disputes. Having previously had luck with other Rock Hard products, including a remote controlled vibrating egg, a specially-sized gimp suit, and something called a “Power Wedge”, the couple purchased the SwayGasm after an extensive period of online research. They had planned to attempt sexual moves such as “the hanging panda”, “the reverse Spider-Man”, and extra-difficult “flying wheelbarrow”.
“They probably paid for all those 5-star reviews. Didn’t I say that they sounded alike?” said Martha, navigating away from the Yelp page to read a new email from the couple’s son. “Yelp should be ashamed of itself. Not everyone has $250 to spend on a new fuck-swing every year.”
One day prior, Dave noticed that one of the support ropes that screwed into the ceiling was starting to fray near the base of the fuck-swing. Dave reports that he didn’t think much of it until the rope snapped when Martha placed a clean load of laundry in the seat.
“We’re lucky no one got hurt. Imagine if we’d been fucking! Martha could’ve cracked her hip,” said Dave, taking a closer look at the damage. Adding to the couple’s frustration, the breakage has hampered future plans they had for the now-broken fuck swing.
“That thing broke only a week before we had Dave and Brenda over. We already sent out the e-vite!”
In an effort to calm her irate husband, Martha suggested he put his home repair ability to work and construct a new, and more robust swing. “Maybe you’re right,” mused Dave. “I have been looking for a new project.”
At press time, Dave was at Home Depot comparison shopping for pulleys.
