RIO – American swimmer Ryan Lochte has won his second gold medal of the Rio Olympics, this time in the Men’s 400m Making Up A Robbery That Never Actually Happened.
“This is unreal, kind of like how the robbery I reported was not actually real,” said an ebullient Lochte, moments after winning his second gold of the Olympics. “All I did was train hard, keep my head down, and then lie shamelessly to law enforcement officials and journalists about being the victim of a crime that never actually took place.”
The 400m Making Up A Robbery judges awarded Lochte extra difficulty points in the event, considering that he not only made up a robbery that never took place, but did so to cover up the fact that he and his teammates had vandalized a Brazilian gas station.
“I’ve never seen such a powerful routine in the 400m Making Up A Robbery,” effused IOC judge Francois Malek. “First, Lochte and his team expertly threw rocks at the gas station, then performed a perfectly synchronized ‘urinating in the street’ portion, all leading to a masterful dismount where they fabricated a gunpoint robbery to cover their tracks.”
The Men’s 400m Making Up A Robbery That Never Actually Happened is a new event in the Rio Olympics, in which athletes from predominantly caucasian countries were heavily favoured to win. Unfortunately this did not translate to a medal finish for the Canadian team, who placed dead last after apologizing to the gas station clerk and offering to “call their cousin Dave” to help fix the door.
Lochte’s win has not come without controversy. Many international fans have accused his robbery story of attempting a routine with a lower degree of difficulty by playing off violent South American stereotypes. Still, many have applauded the brazenness of his lie, especially considering how easy to disprove it has turned out to be.
Back to the medal podium, Lochte had one last comment for his throngs of journalists and admirers. “This just shows what happens when you believe in yourself, especially if you believe that you are above any consequences whatsoever,” added the teary-eyed 32-year-old man.
In other Olympics news, American gold medal gymnast Gabby Douglas has been stripped of her gold medals for failing to place her hand over her heart during the national anthem.
