CALGARY – After several long discussions with his top aides, Stephen Harper has decided to resign from political life so he can focus on taking care of the egg sac filled with his unborn brood.
“I’ve been in politics since 1993, with a brief break when I entered my cocoon phase. I believe it’s time for me to step away from public life,” said the emotional former-PM. “Plus, I need to be the first person these little guys see or they won’t recognize me as ‘mother’.”
“And that would be… not maximally productive.”
The fleshy sac, which Harper has spent the last 14 years feeding with a sugary sludge made from nectar, plasma, and socially conservative policies, sat by his side for support during the resignation speech. As he became more emphatic, the contents began to rustle as if responding to the voice of the Calgary MP. Harper then emitted a high-frequency trill, calming the sac immediately.
“I’ve come to realize that there are more important things than political power,” concluded Harper. “Specifically, there are 15,000 more important things.”
At press time, Harper had moved back to The Slime Grotto, where the other 200 egg sacs are stored.
