RIO DE JANEIRO – With a jump of 2.38m, 26 year-old Derek Drouin earned a gold medal in the high jump while trying to escape from a large group of rats that had found their way into the Rio Olympic stadium.
“They moved across the field in a great wave. Based on both mass and volume I don’t think there’s ever been more rats in one place,” said Drouin, as an involuntary shudder passed through his body. “Even though I won a gold medal for my country, this was still one of the worst days of my life.”
Drouin’s 2.38m was a season best for him. He attributes his success to watching the carpet of rodents sweep over silver-medalist Mutaz Barshim, leaving behind nothing but bones. Drouin says this was all the motivation he needed.
“I had to make the jump I did since everyone knows rats can only jump 2.37 metres.”
The IOC congratulated Drouin on his accomplishment, but defended themselves against accusations of negligence for letting a literal death swarm of rodents enter the premises.
“Oh sure, when something horrible happens everyone wants to blame the IOC,” said Olympic spokesperson Mario Andrada. “But these unstoppable rats have pushed a lot of competitors to achieve great things. Did you notice they were sitting in the stands for every Simone Biles routine?”
