VANCOUVER – In a somewhat surprising move, the city of Vancouver announced that they plan on turning City Hall into a new location for the popular restaurant chain Cactus Club. When asked why, Mayor Gregor Robertson made it clear that City Hall’s transformation would be a social and cultural benefit to all Vancouverites.
“As I see it,” Robertson stated at a press conference, “the city needs more places where a couple of 30-year-old men in v-neck tees can go to kick back, enjoy a tuna sashimi salad, and ogle a group of 17-year old-women who look like underdressed secret agents.” Robertson paused for effect, “this is something that I am very passionate about.”
Joseph Washington, Cactus Club’s CEO, immediately lauded Robertson’s decision, which he described as “wise”, “astute”, and “totally chill.”
Of course, the decision to sell off City Hall was not readily embraced by all residents. Many critics have, for instance, highlighted that the Cactus Club has a somewhat discriminatory hiring policy that runs counter to Vancouver’s reputation for diversity.
Manager of the English Bay location Vanessa Meyers, however, could not disagree more.
“We have all sorts here,” Meyers states. “I’ve personally managed girls named Tiffani, Ashley, Brittany, Tiffany, and Vanessa. That’s five different names. If that’s not diversity I don’t know what is.”
Tiffani Smith, a waitress at the same location, agreed with Meyers.
“Listen,” Smith declared, “Cactus Club goes out of its way to hire employees of all shapes and sizes from skinny with large breasts, to skinny with medium-sized breasts, and everything in between.”
In stark contrast to critics, fans of the restaurant chain were generally pleased with the decision of City Council.
“There’s really only one place in Vancouver where you can get the kind of experience they offer,” stated Mark Butler, a regular at Cactus Club’s other locations. “Aside from Earls, Moxies, Rogue, the Shark Club, Bellagio, the Keg, most Donnelly Pubs, Joey’s, and Joey Bentalls, there’s no one in the city doing what they do.”
“Further,” Butler concluded, “with only 93 existing Cactus Club locations in Vancouver, it’s nice to know that there will finally be one within walking distance of 27 others.”
